Monday, January 26, 2009

A Hug

I was walking alone, getting back to my bike. I was thinking about all the yummy food I had eaten, when I saw a gal, I saw her hugging a guy. Most probably her boyfriend. I felt so lonely that moment. I feel lonely as I type this.

Last 40 days have been really difficult, its almost like half of my soul is missing, I know it sounds like one of those overtly sentimental dialogues in Bollywood movies. But that is exactly how I feel. I feel empty inside. I guess I was addicted to her. I mean, am sure I was addicted to her.

All I really care for is a nice big hug, a hug which would bring tears to my eyes, a hug which would last a bit too long than the normal hugs. A hug, where I wouldn't smell the gal's hair. A hug, which will not lead to anything more.

I have become excessively emotional since we broke up. I was almost in tears while watching Narnia today!!! There was this scene where the brother who betrays comes back, and hugs his sisters, it made me breath so hard, I almost cried.

Its unbelievable how much I have started to hate being alone. I need to be in constant company of friends. I need to laugh so that I don't think about her. At times when am riding my bike, there are these blank moments, when I think about her without even wanting to think about her, it has almost become a reflex action. The action that my brain undertakes when its blank would read something like this; When blank, think about her. Now I have to reprogram my brain, I cant stop thinking about her when my brain is blank. All I do is add three more words. I hate her. Guess that will make me stop thinking about her.

My life has taken such a big turn in last 40 days, I cant even imagine all of it is happening to me. Sometimes life gives you all the options you would have otherwise gladly accepted, just when you don't need them. Or, when you don't know what to do with all the options that you have. I am in that kind of situation right now. I don't want to spill the beans in just my first blog entry.

I am typing this as I sip on my vodka with cola, my friends would be really worried if they found that I am drinking alone, sitting in my room. I cant help it, drinking, has been a such a good escape for me, it takes me out of my body. I typed earlier saying, its difficult for me to imagine all this is happening to me, it feels like one of those third person roleplay game. I wake up I realize am in a game, I wake up I realize am in a book, I wake up I realize am somebody else's dream......

My head is beginning to feel light now, I can feel the veins on the sides of my forehead throb. I guess this is what I need to really open up, Haha I can feel am typing really fast as well. For my first blog entry I guess this much is enough. I will come back later to write more.